There is a lot of handwringing going on about the state of manhood these days. Maybe this Father’s Day, we can focus on what’s good about men who are fathers.
It’s an uphill slog, I know. It seems like every week another book or article bemoans the U.S. male’s fallen state. We also have to put up with what I call the Boo-hoo Man-boys: angry wannabe chauvinists who think that women (or Jews, or Muslims, or name your enemy) have made it so very hard to be a man. In a June cover story, Atlantic magazine calls it masculinism: “A movement to fight back against the advances of feminism and reassert the primacy of men.”
Boo-hoo Man-boys revel in their victimhood. They feel they’ve been replaced. They feel their “primacy” has been stolen from them. Life did not hand them a golden ticket, and they are stamping their feet in rage. We have these Man-boys at all levels of society squalling for attention, and they’re getting louder.
We also have a related internet phenomenon called “manmaxxing,” which feeds a self-obsessive emphasis on male looks and physique, but often also comes with a side order of misogyny.
Here’s a tip for the Boo-hoos: If you have to reassert your “primacy” by hatred of others, you are unworthy of primacy.
Instead, this month, let’s remember the men who work hard, sometimes with heavy burdens, who take their roles as fathers seriously, and who offer real models of manhood. June is the month to pay tribute to these men who, if we are lucky, have graced our lives.
I think of a neighbor, who has overcome the challenges of addiction and divorce, and who is now setting an example of quiet masculine heroism in raising his young son by himself without complaint or self-pity.
I think of my father-in-law, an immigrant to this country who raised four children, putting them all through college (a privilege he never had) while he worked in the physically demanding field of construction until well after retirement. He was a portrait of quiet strength who lived up to his own ideals.
I think of my father, an only child, doted on by loving parents and relatives. He could have grown up self-centered and spoiled. Instead, he helped raise seven children while also pursuing a career as a literature professor. He had an extraordinary ability to empathize and to love.
All of these men are reminders that what we look for in our fathers is not perfection. We look for love and faithfulness and an acceptance of their responsibilities.
I think we are done with the complaining and the victimhood. We don’t need to recover some mythic age when men ruled the roost, or the farm or the plantation. But I think we do need to strive for a model of manhood where men are partners, where they are resolute in their tasks and humble in the credit they take.
A few years ago, Pieter Vree eulogized his father, Dale, by recalling the many lessons for life he received from his father: “One of the most enduring is to find satisfaction in duty fulfilled. He taught me never to seek after praise or riches — and to be suspicious of those who do. To judge people by their character rather than their credentials…to hold fast to the truth, to honor my vows, and always act on principle — and never count the cost. To exercise self-denial, keep solidarity with the poor, and hide my good works. To mourn with those who mourn, and rejoice with those who rejoice.”
This Father’s Day, let us remember the quiet heroes who are all around us. And let us commit ourselves to follow their example.
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