Bishops discuss cohabitation of young couples at Vatican meeting on marriage and family

VATICAN CITY (OSV News) — On the third day of a weeklong Vatican meeting on marriage and family Oct. 9, Catholic bishops grappled with a trend that worries many Church leaders: young couples choosing to live together rather than wed.

“We cannot ignore the fact that the number of marriages is currently declining throughout the world, both civil marriages and marriages celebrated in the Church,” Cardinal Kevin Farrell, prefect of the Dicastery for Laity, Family, and Life said as he opened the day’s discussion.

The cardinal noted the concern of many Christian parents today “whose children suffer from loneliness, remain hesitant to make a lasting commitment, or categorically reject the path that their parents themselves had embraced with joy.”

The third day of the Oct. 7-14 gathering of the world’s bishops’ conference presidents and the heads of Eastern Catholic churches marking the 10th anniversary of “Amoris Laetitia” was devoted entirely to “young people and the discovery of the vocation to marriage.”

Auxiliary Bishop Stephen Eustace Victor Fernandes of Bombay, one of 26 experts invited to contribute to the discussions, was one of two featured speakers at the morning plenary session Oct. 9.

Bishop Fernandes addressed how the Church can accompany couples who live together outside marriage. He urged bishops to avoid both indifference and condemnation, emphasizing the importance of listening to young people to understand their experiences and concerns.

Listening, he said, “enables us to distinguish between a rejection of marriage and a fear that lifelong committed love may no longer be possible.”

That distinction is particularly important for young people who have experienced family breakdown, separation, violence, abandonment or failed relationships, he said. Their reluctance to marry may reflect both emotional wounds and genuine questions about commitment.

“The first task is to know their story: Why have they chosen to live together? What do they hope for? What fears or obstacles stand before them? What is already good in their relationship?” Bishop Fernandes said.

“But accompaniment must also involve genuine discernment. The question is not simply: How can we move this couple towards a wedding? It is also: Are these two people truly called to marriage, and are they ready to enter into a lifelong marital covenant? Some cohabiting relationships may contain authentic love and important elements of commitment, while still lacking the conditions necessary for a mature marital covenant,” he added.

Bishop Fernandes also stressed the importance of forming young people in the virtues that sustain marriage, including fidelity, responsibility, chastity, forgiveness, perseverance, generosity and openness to life.

That formation involves teaching young people to communicate, resolve conflict, apologize and forgive, he said, while helping them understand that love depends not only on emotion but also on repeated decisions to seek the good of another person.

“Rather than presenting Christian morality primarily in terms of prohibitions and obligations, we need to speak of love as gift, freedom as self-giving, sexuality as the person’s capacity to love and give oneself, fidelity as the foundation of trust and stability, and marriage as a covenant capable of giving meaning to life,” he said.

Archbishop Timothy Costelloe of Perth, Australia, also addressed the issue of cohabitation, saying many young people no longer understand or accept the traditional Christian connection between sexuality, marriage and procreation.

He pointed to the influence of social media, entertainment and online culture, which often emphasize personal fulfillment and autonomy over permanence and sacrifice.

“We are competing with many other approaches to the meaning of marriage,” he said.

“Although young couples who live together before marrying are falling short of the ideal of Christian marriage, this does not mean that there is nothing good in their relationships: we met them where they are and accompany them as they move forward to a fuller expression of the Christian ideal,” Archbishop Costelloe added.

Speaking with OSV News after the morning session, Archbishop Costelloe said Australia’s highly secular culture continues to make it difficult for the Church to engage deeply in people’s lives.

He recommended that if local parish communities can discover ways in which the witness of married couples and families can be both visible and celebrated, the fear of commitment and doubts about permanence which trouble many young people might be mitigated to some extent.

“As one married couple explained to me, The most persuasive argument for Christian marriage is often a married couple living it well,” he said.

Among the 11 married couples from around the world invited to share their testimonies with the bishops are Charmaine Bernadette Villegas and Eren Lyle Villegas from the Philippines who are serving as missionaries in Rome with the Couples for Christ apostolate.

In their work with couples who live together, the Villegases said they seek to offer an example of Christian marriage rather than impose their beliefs.

“We don’t want to force who we are as a married couple, but just simply living out as a witness of what we believe marriage is, and in the hope that they too will see it the way we see it,” Eren Lyle Villegas told OSV News.

Charmaine Bernadette Villegas said many young people in the Philippines are postponing marriage rather than rejecting it outright. Some want to establish their careers first, while others face economic pressures and believe they need financial stability before marrying.

The couple, who have been married for 16 years and do not have children, said they continue to pray for a family while embracing what they describe as a call to serve as spiritual parents to young people in their parish and community.

“We’ve been praying since day one, but we have always believed that the Lord is faithful. And in his perfect timing will answer that prayer,” Eren said.

Father Giacomo Costa, a consultant to the General Secretariat of the Synod who oversees the meeting’s methodology, outlined the gathering’s format during an Oct. 9 briefing at the Holy See Press Office.

Participants are divided into 16 small groups seated at round tables in the Paul VI Hall, using the “conversation in the spirit” method employed during the Synod on Synodality, he said.

The groups reflect the global reach of the Church, Father Costa said. Italian-speaking groups, for example, include participants from China, Poland, Mexico, Central Asia, Greece, Bulgaria, Slovenia, Germany and Croatia.

Each of the 16 groups approved a report and presented it to the wider assembly during the afternoon plenary session, he said.

Discussions during the meeting’s first days also addressed the formation of seminarians who grew up in a digital culture and, in some cases, in blended families. Participants considered how those experiences shape seminarians’ understanding of relationships and how formation programs can help them understand their own histories and learn to accompany others, Father Costa said.

Another focus was the meaning of accompaniment and the practical steps needed to make it effective.

“We asked ourselves how we can bridge the gap between the desire to be close and to accompany and the actual capacity to do so?” Father Costa said.

Accompaniment risks becoming a concept that participants endorse in principle without a clear understanding of how to put it into practice, he said. The Church must consider who is equipped to accompany people, what preparation is needed and how to respond to different situations.

The Vatican also announced the members of the commission responsible for preparing the meeting’s summary report, which is expected to be published Oct. 14, the final day of the gathering.

The commission includes Cardinal Pablo Virgilio Siongco David of the Philippines; Cardinal Mario Grech; Cardinal Matteo Zuppi; Archbishop José Manuel Imbamba of Angola; Philippe Bordeyne, president of the Pontifical John Paul II Theological Institute for Marriage and Family Sciences; and Orietta Rachele Grazioli, a professor at the institute.

The bishops are scheduled to turn their attention to the first years of marriage during the weekend discussions. Spanish Cardinal José Cobo Cano and Argentine theologian María Marcela Mazzini are scheduled to address the gathering on Oct. 10 before the bishops take Sunday off as a day of rest.

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