‘Congratulations!’ What moms want to hear in facing challenging or unexpected pregnancies

(OSV News) — Jess Echeverry knows how it feels to face pregnancy and motherhood alone. She experienced trauma, homelessness and three unexpected pregnancies before age 22.

“The question facing a pregnant mother is often, ‘How will I be able to do this?'” she said.

The response from loved ones after hearing of a challenging or unexpected pregnancy is pivotal for the mother.

“Our friendship with the pregnant woman should help give the hope that it can be done,” Echeverry told OSV News.

In this month of celebrating mothers, what do expecting moms truly want to hear when they share the big news?

— Mothers in unexpected pregnancy need to hear support

Repeatedly, mothers who spoke with OSV News — some of whom asked to only be identified by their first name — say the first word should be: “Congratulations!” Elaine, a former Coast Guard officer in Northern California, faced two unplanned pregnancies during her military service. She felt profoundly loved and supported when her brother responded to the news with absolute joy and excitement: “A baby! Congratulations. I’m so excited for you. I know you’ve always wanted to be a mom.”

Many women suggested practicing saying “congratulations” so it flows easily in the moment, and then asking questions like “How are you feeling?” “How can I support you while you’re in school?”

Elaine added that this posture “requires seeing and loving each woman through her pregnancy and welcoming each baby as a blessing. Especially when it’s hard.”

— Support her as a friend

“Little things matter,” said Hayley, a mom of five young children from Idaho. “A blanket, a gift, a single ride to an appointment. It takes surprisingly little to make a woman go from feeling alone to feeling like there is someone to turn to.”

Multiple mothers urged stepping in to accompany — create a meal train, throw the baby shower, do her dishes or laundry, take the older kids to the park for the afternoon, or talk her through paid family leave and Title IX rights, the federal law prohibiting sex-based discrimination in education programs or activities receiving federal funding.

When Alyssa Grasinski from Indiana navigated welcoming her first daughter during law school, she found it meaningful when friends invited her out for smoothies or tea over less mom-friendly places like coffee or the bar. One classmate made her a gift package with “things to help with nausea, some luxury tea, a journal, a personal congratulations card.”

Echeverry is now a mom of adult children and an advocate for families experiencing homelessness. She urges Christians to bring hope by “being wind in their sails.”

“What matters most is our consistent presence, not necessarily what we can provide,” she said.

— Withholding judgment

Many women shared they experienced judgment and harsh criticism, especially if the pregnancy was unexpected: “Do you know what causes that?” “Your husband doesn’t have a job yet.” “Oh no, what are you going to do?” “Are you sure this is the right timing?” “Was this planned?”

Others were met with threats to kick them out of their home, dead silence or lukewarm responses from loved ones they most needed support from.

Hayley explained that the judgment is often in the name of choice or options: “‘Well, you kept the baby. So you chose this. You are on your own. Good luck.’ We have to overcome that mindset as a society.”

Sarah, a mom from the Midwest, urged the listener to “hold space for the expectant mom to feel however she feels, “without sharing your own upset (feelings).” Some family or friends see a loss of their own dreams for their friend or child, but it’s important not to place those burdens on the pregnant mother.

At the same time, several women shared that they understood the strong emotional response from their loved ones. Elaine suggested making a statement of fact if the emotions are too strong: “You’re pregnant! I love you so much and I’m here to support you through this season of life.”

Managing one’s own response helps put the new mom at ease and shows deep care and support. She explained that no matter your feelings on the receiving end of the conversation, “You can say ‘I love you’ or ‘I support you as a friend’ at any point in your friendship. When it’s easy, when it’s hard — and it’s always true.”

Annika Wheelock, a nurse from Southern California, found out she was pregnant only three months into dating her boyfriend; they had just broken up a few weeks prior. Nervously, she sat on his bed next to him and broke the news. “He immediately started crying tears of joy, and kissed me and told me he loved me. We cried together. We were both so happy. There was no negativity, no hard feelings, definitely nervousness but mostly excitement. We spent the night whispering into the late hours about baby names. It was the most love I’ve felt.”

Her boyfriend continued to be supportive throughout her pregnancy as she rode the tidal wave of emotions, morning sickness, and fatigue. In the delivery room, Jonah held her hand and counted through each push. “Jonah is such a good dad and loves us both so well.” The couple are now happily married with two little boys.

— Space for her feelings

Sarah noted the myriad of emotions that come from unexpected or challenging pregnancy and encouraged not to “assume how the person is feeling about the baby on the way.”

Amber Gray, a lawyer from Washington, welcomed her second child just 11 months after her first. She wrestled with the emotions of welcoming her daughter, sharing, “I really didn’t want to be pregnant, but I discovered that wanting the child is really a matter of choosing to over time. Once you choose to want and love the child, you will.” She felt seen when someone told her, “It is OK to be both a little upset and also excited at the same time. This is a good thing, but it is also a hard thing.”

Hayley put it simply: “You can acknowledge the intense and vulnerable state while simultaneously acknowledging the congratulations over another life being created.”

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