For love of Grace: Mother of daughter lost to suicide battles online bullying

As the sun shone down between some backyard trees in Ellicott City, Christine McComas was singing songs from the musical “Godspell” when she was struck by an understanding:

A profound loss in her life would bring her closer to the Blessed Virgin Mary and lead her to do something important for God.

The moment always stayed with her. She was 8 at the time, and she would have to wait another 40 years to understand what it meant.

For McComas, singing has been a constant in her life. She has served as a longtime cantor and performed in theater productions as a student at Loyola University Maryland in Baltimore.

And when the profound loss did indeed arrive, as doctors rushed to revive her 15-year-old daughter Grace, McComas wrapped her arms around her child’s head and shoulders – and she sang.

“Father, into your hands, I commend my spirit.

“In you, O Lord, I take refuge; let me never be put to shame.

“In your justice, set me free.”

Tragically, Grace died by suicide on Easter Sunday in 2012. McComas said her death followed a sexual assault and a brutal, dehumanizing and prolonged cyberbullying attack.

From that day forward, McComas has devoted herself to keeping other children safe online as a tireless advocate for legislative solutions on the state and national level and an ambassador for compassion, civility and decency on social media, inspired by Grace, whose mother described her as funny, joyful and deeply kind.

“I knew standing over her body that a great injustice has happened, and I knew I had to share her story with anyone who would listen so it wouldn’t happen again,” said McComas, a Howard County Catholic who attends Mass at various parishes.

The moment McComas experienced as a child in Ellicott City flashed in her mind.

“When I lost her, I thought, ‘Who could understand better than the Blessed Mother?’ ”

Grace’s Law, which was originally passed by the Maryland General Assembly in 2013 and updated in 2019, is considered landmark legislation. The law gives officials the authority to act in cases of online harassment, including adding criminal penalties for anyone who encourages a young person to end his or her life.

But it is not enough, McComas said. She is lobbying Congress and the state Legislature to do more, and she has teamed up with other grieving mothers to demand government leaders require big tech to use algorithms and design codes to keep young people safe online through the power of legislation.

The Kids Online Safety Act will be considered by the U.S. Senate this fall after passing the Commerce Committee in July. The bill – cosponsored by Democratic Sen. Ben Cardin of Maryland – would require social media apps and other online platforms to act in the best interest of children and teens. The tech companies would have a duty to intervene to stop predators from sexually exploiting children, block cyberbullying and prevent people from suicide-baiting. Platforms would also have to limit what advertising appears in a young person’s feed, give parents more tools to supervise their children’s accounts and restrict trackers used to collect data.

In Maryland, McComas petitioned lawmakers in this year’s session to take similar action through the proposed Age-Appropriate Design Code Act. Among a number of provisions, the bill would require online platforms to set the strongest privacy settings as the default and limit what information can be collected on children. The bill passed the House but stalled in the Senate. 

The proposed legislation was modeled, in part, after actions taken in California, where NetChoice is challenging the law in court on behalf of Meta, TikTok, Google and other major tech companies. The trade association contends the law violates the First Amendment and “expands government power over online speech under the guise of protecting children.”

Experts say protecting children in the digital age will take the right mix of oversight and regulation, parental involvement and the cooperation of authorities, including schools and police.

Jenny Kraska, executive director of the Maryland Catholic Conference, said the Catholic Church has been engaged in protecting children online on multiple levels. Such efforts include anti-bullying policies in Maryland’s Catholic schools and the conference’s ongoing legislative advocacy. The conference testified in support of Grace’s Law in 2019.

“As we said then, bullying affects not only individual children, but also families, schools and entire communities,” Kraska said. “We have been and will continue to be vigilant and active on legislation around youth wellbeing and safety.”

Kraska noted the U.S. bishops who head key committees for the national bishops’ conference wrote in June to members of Congress urging them to address the exploitation of youth online.

So much about social media has changed in the decade since Grace died.

McComas said her daughter wasn’t even on the platform her bully used to harass her, and Grace did not have a smartphone. As the situation escalated, McComas and her husband, Dave, surrounded Grace with love and mental health support. They also went to the local police, Grace’s school and the courts, but they didn’t get the help they needed and the policies and laws that could have done more to protect Grace were not yet in place. Her tormentor was an older student from her school who lived in the same neighborhood.

Today, McComas and her husband are grandparents. She works as a horticulturist and her husband is recently retired. They live in the same Woodbine home where they raised Grace and her three sisters. One of their daughters works as a nurse practitioner, another as clinical health psychologist and the youngest serves in the Peace Corps in Ecuador.

They carry Grace in their hearts and feel her presence in the communion of the saints. Grace lives on, too, through the donation of her organs that saved the lives of three people.

The McComases said their final goodbyes to Grace in the hospital, as her doctors required, the evening before the surgery to remove her organs for donation.

Around 7:30 the next morning, at the time Grace’s heart stopped beating, Christine McComas was caught in between sleeping and waking after a mournful night of weeping. Her eyes weren’t open yet, but she felt alert when she was overcome by incredible euphoria.

She heard Grace’s voice, excited and free: Oh, Mom!

Grace told her the Blessed Mother was with her and she was more beautiful than any words language could describe. Her mother answered without speaking: Go, enjoy!

What parents can do

Andrea Davis, founder and CEO of Better Screen Time, spoke in the spring to parents at the School of the Cathedral of Mary Our Queen in Homeland about positive screen time strategies for families.

 “We think it is just a tool – and it is – but I always tell parents: While technology has changed, what kids need has not,” said Davis, a mother of five and former teacher. “Our kids need play, face-to-face interaction, physical activity, sleep and nutrition to develop into a healthy, balanced person. The concern is, screens replace the healthy activities that lead to normal development in a child.”

• Delay granting children access to social media, online gaming and smart phones until they are emotionally mature enough.

• Monitor devices to include checking browser history and text chats and requiring screens only be used in open areas and never in bedrooms or bathrooms.

• In cases of cyberbullying, keep an open dialogue with children, including ensuring they treat others online with the same kindness they’d want to receive.

• Tell young people if they are in a bad situation to talk to a trusted adult who should take action, including making the social media account private, blocking the bully and talking to a school authority.

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